New-Style Etiquette

The test for any kind of politeness is utility - that if properly employed by all parties, at the end of the day everyone goes home with the same number of body parts they arrived with, everyone stays out of jail and the mental ward, and nobody spends quality hospital time.

Courtesy of Murphy, folks will rush up and express (often whilst in the depths of inebriation) their undying attraction for you - all good if you find them hot and compatible. Not so good if you find them unattractive, and still less good if they are not merely unattractive but both deeply enthusiastic and *NOT* of the gender you find intriguing in any kind of physical way.

The gay guy with the undying hots for the straight guy, the straight guy lech'ing after the lesbian, the lesbian with a yen for the het girl, and the het girl on overdrive chasing the gay guy - round and round we go, and where the dysfunction stops, nobody knows. Murphy has a quirky sense of humor when hanging out with Cupid.

In the throes of their enthusiasm, the newly fixated often find the bonus round of "I'm special, if they just get naked with me, they'll change!" and worse, actually BELIEVE that vile tripe. A second bonus round, a double dose of "who has which infectious STD, and how lethal is it", is available for the particularly unlucky.

The trick is, getting shed of an unwanted newfound admirer without indulging in a verbal or physical smackdown, particularly when this is thrust upon you for the first time, isn't easy. Easy is shredding someone emotionally, or providing physical education. Hard is at least taking a shot at letting them down easy while making it abundantly clear that "happy naked time" is just not going to happen with you, them, or them and their ten best horny friends.

Success in this endeavor is worthwhile as it cuts down the chance of happy fun jail time, hospital time, and vindictive crazy rejected person time.

Yet, throwing a pity moment (there might be children reading this after all) at the unfortunate who finds you unilaterally pounceable or just running away screaming "My eyes, my eyes! Make the pain stop!" each has its own downsides. The goal is to depart unscathed, after all.

After watching this dysfunctional carnal merry-go-round for a few years, I have a few thoughts - not for the lovelorn, for they are surely beyond help (at least for the moment) but in terms of escape and evasion while burdened with a regrettably kindly nature.

After all, you COULD just tell them that they are ugly, smell funny, and you'd rather get it on with a bed of nettles with a hornets nest in the center...but that seems unduly cruel. A quick whap upside the head is a reliable form of communications, but tends to cause the nice blue lights to flash and appear, as the headache fairy descends from the local donut shop.

Never underestimate the polite "no, but thank you, I'm flattered by your interest" approach - it's pretty darned low cost, lets' your admirer save face, and frequently allows you to scamper off unscathed. Works less well as a sudden change in course when you've gotten all hot'n'bothered and gone off alone with someone and gender becomes a matter of "surprise, surprise" (and yes, it does matter - I don't like "surprise, surprise" any more than anyone else) - a good variant, if you can keep your cool is the trusty old "umm...this wasn't what I bargained for, I'm sure you a great person and all, but I just don't fly that way" followed by a high velocity Bugs Bunny'ish departure (doppler effect scream optional).

Failing that, there's always Plan B. A lot of Plan B's. Scampering, verbal impact therapy, pointing them at someone else, etc...

I'm just mightily tired of hearing about dolt #1 (the enamored one) and dolt#2 (the enthusiastically uninterested one) of whatever gender getting all frisky (in a bad way) with one unable to hear "no", and the other too stupid to be able to communicate "no" without a laying upon of hands.

Spent some time honing this after a series of recent reminders how much this kind of crud annoys me, and my apologies if I express myself poorly or inflict it with insufficient grace.